What’s a Father To Do?

There is often a common misconception surrounding the dynamics of family relationships; fathers indeed have a distinctly different relationship with their daughters compared to that with their sons. Why exactly is that? In what specific ways does it differ from the bond I share with my son? Should I even attempt to raise the children in the same manner? What happens when they are obviously two very different individuals with unique personalities? Additionally, I often grapple with the question of whether spanking should be permitted as a form of discipline. What type of punishment, if any, ought to be regarded as the standard mode of correction?

Our love for our children is fathomless but our mannerisms may be causing problems.

These questions frequently cycle through my mind, creating a sense of anxiety and doubt. Engaging in discussions with others has proven to be quite beneficial as it allows me to share my thoughts, perhaps vent a little, and express my frustrations in a safe and supportive environment. It’s particularly encouraging that my peers are generally around the same age and same generation as I am, and (fortunately) they bring varying perspectives based on their diverse upbringings. Furthermore, my wife and I have come to share a mutual understanding about parenting, but achieving that alignment required several conversations, often filled with both challenges and breakthroughs.

I was raised with spanking. It hurt. The switch, the belt, the hand, the quick moving wooden spoon that I didn’t see coming are what fills my memory. Was it acceptable in that time, Yes. Do I blame my parents at all, Nope. Hard punishment works for immediate results. I believe that completely. This may sound insensitive, I remember having dogs in our house for as long as I can remember and while training the puppies, we would use punishment as the method. Smack their nose for getting the food off the counter and things like that. That dog would never touch food off that counter again, however it would also pee everytime it went near the counter. Hard punishment doesn’t work for the long run and causes other unforeseen consequences.

Don’t let this image scare you…

As a receiver of spankings in my past, I find myself increasingly curious about how often I have second-guessed my decision-making and actions due to a subconscious fear of incurring the belt, or hand, or wooden spoon. This conversation takes on a deeper meaning now that I am a dad. My sole goal as a father is to raise children who are not only good citizens but also well-adjusted individuals. That overarching goal is rather broad and can have a different, sometimes conflicting definition depending on whom you ask. This realization sparked a profound conversation about my behavior and the impact it has on my daughter. Here’s why it’s significant.

Let me share an example. Imagine a ten-year-old daughter who possesses the natural ability to irritate me quite easily. Our perspectives on life often differ significantly. In moments of frustration, she could trigger me, and conversely, I could trigger her, leading to a cycle of escalating yelling that would ultimately result in me putting her in time out. It’s important to note that my wife and I consciously chose not to use spanking as a form of punishment. Returning to the example, I would place her in time out with a bit of force, and eventually, we would both calm down later. I would apologize for being a bit rough in my approach, and she would apologize for making me “mad.” After the apologies, I would embrace her, holding out hope that she would consider changing her behavior for the better.

The troubling reality is that I may be inadvertently creating a situation where my actions lead to her crying and being punished (perhaps a bit forcefully), and then, if she apologizes and offers me a hug, everything would be considered forgiven. It was pointed out to me that this cycle could unintentionally propagate the notion of accepting abusive relationships, suggesting that as long as there’s an apology and physical affection, all would be considered right again. Hearing this was a difficult pill to swallow, and it struck me hard to come to terms with the fact that I might be the reason my daughter could grow up believing she needs to endure an abusive relationship without the necessary resources to escape it. This realization hurt me to the core because my primary focus has always been to prevent that scenario from happening for both of my children.

Abuse has so many layers its hard to say how they will work out. As a father, I always hope my children come out on top.

A great deal of reflection has taken place since then, and after venting to my peers, we found that many of them shared similar stories from their own childhoods. We agreed that perhaps this situation warrants deeper consideration and reflection. If you are reading this, I genuinely ask how you have dealt with childhood punishment in your own life, and how you are navigating the challenges of raising your children today. I have found a few books in the Men being Men book list helpful.

How Do We Get On!

Diving deeper into this complex topic, it becomes evident that studies surrounding it are all over the place, and depending on which bias the writer supports, this significantly steers the outcome derived from the study itself. Most data collected is misleading due to the fact that families have to voluntarily provide this sensitive information. This method of study presents challenges when attempting to compare findings with other studies, as the core data may be skewed for a variety of reasons, including factors such as faith, guilt, privacy concerns, and any number of personal or cultural influences. Unfortunately, since we cannot simply line up children and administer spanking in a controlled study, the standard methods of scientific inquiry are no longer applicable or ethical in this context. So, where do we go from here with this complex and multifaceted issue?

I’m leaning towards changing myself. I’m not happy at what this journey may take and how I might come out after ward. The only goal is still to send out into the world a productive well suited child that can handle most anything life throws at them. I’m not sure how to do that.

Fortunately there are a ton of resources out there, some may be easier to accomplish, others more difficult. The point is why is it when words fail to convince we revert to force. Has our vocabulary devolved to a point where violence is the preffered go to for problem solving in relationships. A similar article explores what is is to be the male presence in this big world we live in.

Life is challenging.