Troubling Times Sympathetic Brotherhood
Enjoying a moment with a spouse or a lover, its work sometimes.
When does it become work? When the passion is misaligned. Dating is easy, both parties are into the moment, they have scheduled time to go out. To relax. To drink a little and have fun. It is easy.
Now fast forward to now, you are married or at least committed to monogamy, the love of your life and dating seems like a lost memory. If kids are involved, it is a whole other story/level. Relationship experts say to create a date night and that will solve everything. And you know what it can help.
“Heterosexual women in my office tend to complain of feeling ignored or neglected. Heterosexual men tend to feel criticized.”
Date nights may be able to help a little. But this post is not about one technique that can solve everything. It is about the misalignment. The misalignment of passions.
The days where our spouses meet us at the door with a smile and encouragement are gone. The days where spouses honored the responsibility of being a spouse are gone. There are very few women out there, compared to the whole, that know how to care for their men. How many missed the opportunity to really embrace what we like? A great article by Divorce Magazine mentions that “69% of divorces are initiated by women” (Danielson, 2022). The pendulum has swung to support marriage erosion. Danielson goes on to define the situation about resentment and she is correct. Resentment is a nail in the coffin. Relationships are work. Back to the question posed, how many women miss the opportunity to really embrace what we like?
Yes, this post is teetering on chauvinistic ideologies. For the answer, most partners miss this opportunity. So do not get me wrong. I am all about respecting your queen. Wanting them to succeed and flourish. That is the responsibility of coupling. I am talking about the little misalignments that happen every day. The resentment building moments. That moment where you think the kids are asleep and you are in the mood, and you remember that at dinner your spouse mentioned that she was tired. So, it does not happen that night. You are caring for their feelings before your desire for sex. The next night may not happen either because…we. that is in the future and unpredictable.
Take it a step further if you push through the topical sex stuff. Which is great right! How often has the other person performed an act just because the other person enjoys it. Our society has given partners the green light to opt out. Opt out of marriage. Opt out of duty and honor. Opt out of all the stuff that happened when you were in the dating stage. Those connection points are bought.
I will try to paint this experience to emphasize the point. Hypothetically if I like reading, and for special occasions I get gift cards from my spouse for more books. That is great right. And it is in a way. But I would rather have quiet time in the house where she prioritizes reading time with me and the kids can join in.
Now I get it, this may be a bad example. The point is our priorities are rarely prioritized in the current time. Our care is after the kids are taken care of, after we help with the house (which is usually after work too). And all respect for the dual working parents, household chores should be split fairly. I am not trying to get out of work. However, we placed last on the list and the list may not get done. And if it is a sex related activity it is after the kids go to bed, the blinds are closed, the lights are off, and the moment is perfect. All the while we are waiting. That focus then becomes about her and we are left worrying if the moment with be right and/or happen at all.
And to make matters worse we are in a time that has devalued our sexual health needs. In comparison how many articles or shows do you see about caring for the male spouse? Instead, there are more shows about the G-Spot and erogenous zones for women than information on how to connect and honor the husband or male in the relationship. This goes deeper than sex. All the things that make us male alphas are also the traits that make us “toxic” in todays world. How often have you heard “be a man” or in the counter situation where we hear in our lives or media that we do not need a man”? I know I have heard this all my life.
In introspection, what I am really needing is the feeling of desire. Need and desire are similar enough in definition. Remember again back in the dating world when you would hear “I need you”? These are lost sentiments for the common person. They say communication can solve everything and that is a suitable place to start, however action still needs to be taken. If not, this can lead to a number of afflictions, here are a few.
1. Shutting down or the reverse, being needy for compliments.
2. Aggression or avoidance. Whose spending more time at work, the gym, the golf course, in the garage, or another hobby.
3. Or solution finding for the missing feeling, usually in the form cheating in some fashion. Or the reverse erectile dysfunction (ED).
Maintenance intimacy matters
One conundrum I have run into is the ownership of the relationship. When you are in public, is your spouse praising you or putting you down. Joking or not, it is a no-no. Taking ownership of the relationship can happen in a number of ways and some are positive. For instance, think back and replicate the beginning traits you had in the dating phase.
1. Were you working out regularly? (get that back)
2. Were you enthusiastic about work? (you can be again)
3. Were you sexually willing and performed? (be a lion)
4. Were you CONFIDENT? (have a plan)
These are all traits that after a relationship happens tend to be curbed due to other responsibilities. These are hard to get back into, or even in results of career boredom. A one and done solution for all of these may not be one specific tool. The root though is ownership. Do you want (desire) the other person.
References
Danielson, J. (2022, July 21). The Breaking Point: Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men? Retrieved from Divorce Magazine: https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/why-do-women-initiate-divorce-more-than-men
M.D., S. S. (2019, January 2). Are Men's and Women's Sexual Minds Really That Different? Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexualitytoday/201901/are-men-s-and-women-s-sexual-minds-really-different
