How to share your thoughts with your partner… with caution that’s how.
During relationships men are burdened with the reputation of either a leader, the foundation, the strength in the marriage (or relationship) or as a paycheck. There seems to be an extreme swing from one way to another. Is it fair, probably not. Or is it just what the media is that is blowing the situation.
How many times have you heard “just make an effort!” or “be a man!” or “can you make a decision for once”? These are common statements that are heard and heard they have been. Aren’t our homes supposed to be safe zones where we cannot think for a minute. Be allowed to destress from work. Or so we thought.
What if society has set up the situation.
We’ve heard all our lives the “wife is the boss”, “this is her house, we just live in it”, “you can’t do anything right”, or the favorite is “why can’t you do things without being told”, or how about “we are supposed to be partners, but I’m doing everything”. So why would we want to try to help?
At first, I was thinking it was a separation of duties thing. I’m not sure if other men feel this way but why should two people have to worry about all the duties and get overwhelmed with the number of duties to accomplish. Especially when duties can be separated. This seems to be one interpretation where the misconnection happens. I’m not sure if women think differently or if this is situation conditioning to share work in a communal fashion.
If the situation is two working partners situation, then the house chores should be split, the discussion should still be had on a division of duties. Why wait until someone offers to do something when it can just be added to a duties list for each. Then accountability can be had on performance.
Sharing these thoughts can be difficult though. Bringing up topics of performance is hard, and it should be handled carefully and with much thought. Often bringing on a defensive response that can shut down the conversation. This is when the conversation should really dive deeper into the base emotion. Often, I’ve seen that emotion makes the relationships lively and passionate. Fighting is too much. Finding the right amount of safety and passion is not easy to find.
An interesting article mentions “attunement” as a path to bridge the difference between the two mind frames (Gottman & Gottman, 2016). Attunement is the process of aligning yourself with your partner – through open-ended questions, and self-reflection (Lisitsa).
Sounds wishy washy doesn’t its gents.
Well, there is some good science to support the idea. Dr. John Gottman, weirdly all my sources were from Gottman. That was completely by accident. The tools Dr. Gottman shares are clear and one step “sliding door” moment are the little tests of trust that have been presented and we, men, didn’t even know we were being tested (Gottman J. M., 2011). I would even go so far as to say I don’t think most women know they are doing it. These moments come in a variety of shapes and sizes – “could you fix this…” or “are you really going to be home when you say” – these questions are test of certainty to the relationship. These results add up to build a wall of resentment.
To get past these questions we need to focus on open questions and allowing our partners to air feelings without a response. This allows defensive feelings to subside and allows both partners to respond in a balanced emotional footing. Not responding in a negative light will help the trust moments build. A continuation of the conversation can happen in a safe zone.
That safe zone can be established by being direct, very direct. Gentle but direct. Use “I” statements and avoid all “you” comments – “you” comments are a blaming comment. Also show “validation and confirmation”, for example, if she is the one making the plans most often share with her that she does a great job (MentalHelp.net). This can lead to the Sandwich method (S.I.S) of communicating.
Whereby you sandwich a negative concern between two positives pieces of feedback.
WARNING: don’t overuse this approach, if you do it can be spotted, and the value lost. Let’s call it a secret.
Once the channel is open for freely communicating without severe repercussions the desire and trust will improve beyond expression. Her desire will also change, upwards is the goal.
References
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. pp. 176-222. Retrieved from https://www.tgroupsforleaders.com/uploads/1/2/0/7/120775390/gottman_emotional_attunement_ch6.pdf
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2016, April 4). The two major complaints that women make in their relationships. Retrieved from Independent: https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/the-two-major-complaints-that-women-have-in-their-relationships-a6967456.html
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). Emotional Attunement. Retrieved from The Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-emotional-attunement/
MentalHelp.net. (n.d.). Speaking Male, Speaking Remale - Communicationg Into Another's Listening. Retrieved from mentalhelp.net: https://www.mentalhelp.net/relationships/problems/communicating-into-anothers-listening/
