The Uncomfortable Search for Internal Validation
Three signs of a shift from external validation to internal validation.
I may generalize a bit here but I’m sitting on the 50+ age category and conversations are sitting differently. I hope this rambling resonates in you the same same way, or in a helpful way.
I’ll back up a little bit, 4 days ago, while discussing life and everything with some peers. The topic started as a complaint/venting session about some work issues but quickly led us to looking deeper for why we were feeling the way we were.
It all came down to validation. This ugly word.
Sounds a bit feelings based, and that even makes me shiver with uncomfortableness. Within our lunch break, however we took the dive. In the group we had varying age groups from 40’s to 60’s, boomers to Gen X’ers. From those that got spanked to those that were abandoned by two working parents.
Capturing your current position on the Maslow Triangle can provide valuable insights and guide your thoughts as you navigate through these significant and often complex life questions.
Our criticalness was mostly sharing how we were raised and viewed success. It was incredible the differences of our raising. One big takeaway was that parents have a HUGE impact on how success is gauged well into their children’s adult lives. One case incorporated complete dismissal of his kids passions, another was lacking a stable male figure due to multiple divorces, and another was a blended family of step children who were raised completely different from one family to the other.
The cool part was this wasn’t the traditional parent bashing and blaming our current lives on our parents. We all subscribe to the past being the past and that parenting is never easy. We all are doing the best we can. Instead it was a examination of the style/type of needs we were trying to accomplish. We were looking for an answer on how we gauge our internal success and does that trump the need for external validation.
Reevaluating how we assess our lives and decide our future is similar to patterns seen in midlife crises. This connection is concerning for the group, and we weren't prepared to face it. It challenges our views on aging more than we realized. Is there a negative stigma about this? The answer is YES!
Just to set a base for this path forward the below video can set some foundations on whether we are talking about a midlife crisis or re-examining our internal growth structure.
13 Signs You are Having a Midlife Crisis - Matthew Kelly - a quick guide to see if you are teetering on the edge or just jumping right in.
As none of us have ventured into expensive cars or younger looking cloths, we may be safe from the standard “midlife crisis” but the depression part is real.
I have found that entering my 50’s I have subscribed to aligning my internal beliefs to my day-to-day life more. If I do not feel this act or that act will sit well with me on the inside then I question if its the correct path. Then what to do with that information. For instance, I feel strongly that respect works both ways, so if I am blatantly disrespected I have choices to make. Continue the communication, discontinue the communication, leave the workplace altogether, confront the individual, return the disrespect, shut down and take it. The choices go on and on depending on the situation.
That’s where the Maslow Triangle comes back in, where are you on the triangle may dictate your comfort level on the challenge you face. If you are barely scraping by and are in the lowest area you may have to take the disrespect. This sucks, and I have been there. If you are secure in certain areas then a challenge may help. Again it seems we circle back to our internal validation of our morals and ethics we want to promote.
Before I go off on another tangent, let us circle this back around to how this impacts us at work and home. We are leaders more often than we think. If at home, how often are we asked what we would like for dinner, or which place to go see a movie, or what should we do this weekend. These are all leadership questions. This happens at work to. What should we fix first, where should be spend the money, how do we get more efficient?
If our internal validation metric is off, we may inadvertently be making decisions based on the desire to impress others rather than on what is truly right and beneficial for our organizations and families. I have utilized the book mentioned above to help guide my understanding of this important issue.
360 Degree Leadership has helped me question the right path in my decision making to understand that you really can lead from any location. As a teammate often shares “you plant a seed of an idea, then later see what grows” and in his logic I have seen this work repeatedly as ideas get implemented. Imagine in our daily communication we plant enough communication seeds that align to our personal/internal validation goals we may find more growth and less need for a midlife “crisis” and instead grow our validation requirements to adjust with the higher levels of Maslow’s Triangle.
Now for the 3 signs I promised you to shift from external validation to internal validation.
Are you finding the old hobbies are not as fulfilling as they used to be?
Are you coming home from work mentally exhausted?
Are you getting shot down for every new project at work?
These three signs are precisely what I experienced around 3 to 4 years ago. The process of re-examining my core values and understanding my validation requirements revealed to me the underlying issues that were at play. During that period, I went through significant life changes, including a shift in my job situation—actually, there were two job changes—as well as the exciting endeavor of starting my own business. Additionally, I took the time to sit down with my wife for an honest and meaningful conversation about our family goals and aspirations. These three pivotal actions ultimately pushed me to a much better and healthier place in my life.
While the need for validation remains an important aspect for me, I have found that a certain level of comfort and adaptability with the changes and challenges I faced has kept me from teetering on the edge of a "crisis" moment.
