Is the Art of Seduction Lost?
This writing might be a little temperamental on subject matter. Bear with me when I say this is half sharing thoughts and seeing if others have similar concerns.
The topic is seduction.
Oh, where to start this one. Is it mediocre sex, no initiation in the bedroom, or does she appear too not into it like she once was? Is it lacking intimacy? Do you feel she just does not get you in the bedroom? Is she afraid of trying new things? Is she too self-conscious? Does she put everyone else ahead of you?
I have wanted to write this for a while now and paused each time because I did not know where to start. Any place I start will sound one-sided, jaded, self-centered, probably chauvinistic, or worse. I keep having the thought and I need to get this out. The power of seduction is a deeper topic than dressing up in skimpy close or having a wash-board stomach, at least for men anyway.
Here is the thought, have women lost the art of seduction? Have they lost the desire to make your pleasure primary? Even if just for a night.
It’s no doubt, we are in confusing times (1), testosterone levels are the lowest they have ever been (that we know of) in men (2), women in career jobs are on the rise (awesome) (3), the marriage/divorce rates are worse than ever (4), and our health (men’s health) is considered toxic (5). Did I sum up the situation somewhat accurately? Bedroom intimacy is also in a grey area and declining (6).
Let us clear up some of the other issues first.
What is so confusing about living in the now? Men are not we supposed to step aside and share the decision making with our spouses or female coworkers. Yes, we are. However, if we are good with any decision our wives make, saying “I’m fine with whatever you choose”, then why is there still tension in situations? A Quora article mentions this very thing (https://www.quora.com/Is-right-now-actually-a-confusing-time-for-men-and-if-so-why-exactly), and the author works through a couple of examples to get to the conclusion that women prefer a “certain level of friction” as opposed to none.
This is the confusing part. Take for instance, the dinner choice conundrum. We have all been through it with our spouse/significant other. The dreaded “what would you like for dinner?” choice that invariably ends up disappointing someone. The resulting choice is usually what the conversation started on.
The Quora author describes a situation where the choice and decision are not the end result. What the other is asking is if you care (not about whether to go to Taco Bell or Pizza Hut), it is about if you care at all. Now sometimes we just do not care, we would be happy with either, but the friction coefficient needs to be applied.
Give this a try next time a choice comes up that you really do not care about. Make a choice and see what happens, even if you don ’t really care. I tried this and it works wonders. It is about caring in the end. Seduction works the same way, if she asks if you want something in the bedroom do not say “I’m just happy you are with me.” (which is the safe answer) – what she hears “every man would say that”. Instead try sharing what it is you would like. She might not be into it at that moment but at least the conversation had been had. Plus, the tension coefficient also applies here.
Veterans of the group, the meal dilemma is even tougher for us, my palette is so torn up from eating cold MRE’s that really any restaurant I would be happy with. The food must be terribly horrendous for me to care. Try to make the decision anyway, it will help.
How is our testosterone? Well men it is not a handsome story. According to one study we are in a decline of our lives, see the graph below, and there is not a great depth of actual studies done with this topic. It seems maybe we have been given the back seat for a while on important studies. There is currently an absence for preventative testosterone maintenance and only a 2-prong approach for treatment.
Devastating image for us men.
There are several different methods for treatment (1) medical help from you PCP, (2) maintaining physical health is suppose to be great, and (3) supplements are an option.
(Chodick, Epstein, & Shalev, 2020)
The two-prong approach outline (1) we must have a lower-than-normal level of “T” level (normal range 280.0 – 1100.0 ng/dL), and (2) symptoms of “low T” including “irritability, fatigue, erectile problems, and low libido” (Zirkin & Tenover, 2012). This is not ideal that we need two forms of verification to get treatment. We are not some computer program’s security settings. What is next, we must complete a verification check by checking “I’m not a robot”?
The point being gents, it is okay to get some help here. Visit your primary care provider and discuss testosterone as a stand alone subject. Get informed. There is no harm, or embarrassment, in getting treatment. This could help with the whole situation of seduction, and more importantly it might mean it is easier to feel seduced AND show it, if you know what I mean. Wink. Wink.
Moving on to women in career jobs, well, this should not be a problem at this day and age. Unless you were raised within a family of “traditional values”. I say that in quotes because I doubt there is a same response to what “traditional values” are from anymore. I know what mine are but those are my values, maybe traditional, maybe not. Women in career roles should be a great thing as the cost of living is going through the roof. The days where one income is plenty are gone. The days where one career earner and part-time earner are also gone. We need two career-minded individuals supporting the house now. The art of seduction may be taking a backseat due to both parties being tired and subconsciously thinking about work in the late hours. So, guys give her a little break on this one. If there are kids involved it gets worse. There is help…
Do Not let lake of knowledge be what’s holding you back.
Battling through this minefield will take serious conversations and time-tested techniques, and patience. Lots of patience. Breaking down the walls of a past generation will not be easy or happen overnight. Keep the goal handy, two people just trying to achieve goals and provide for the relationship AND pleasure each other.
A great author on the topic of marriage, John Gottman, shares seven principles to making a marriage work (Gottman & Silver, 1999). His writing is exceptional and exactly what I needed at various times in my marriage. One of the seven principles “Letting your partner influence you” was the hardest one for me to grapple with.
So often growing up, as an only child… of divorce, my time was spent alone. I learned to rely on myself. Marriage was/is a challenge in this realm as I needed to let her influence me from time to time. By doing that, it showed that I respected her the way I truly saw her. She is brilliant and beautiful. So why was I not accepting her influence? I was expecting my influence to infiltrate her, why not the other way? Seduction is like this concept. Allowing the other to be creative in pleasing you will keep the spark alive. Be open to ideas and her trying new things. Severely criticizing her for trying something will deter her from trying at all.
You can find this book and a couple of others of his on the website at the bottom of the page.
Next is our toxicity, our masculine toxicity. This topic has had some bad press lately for sure, and some of our brethren are doing completely stupid sh*t! There is no need for violence, pedophilia, sexual assault, and so many others! None of these are acceptable on any level! We do enough dumb stuff that we do not need to partake in breaking the law. I do feel that those bad apples do not represent us as a whole and unfortunately society currently does not agree. The worst is that we are viewed as dirty men and cannot keep our hands to ourselves.
It is 2024 and there is a better situation ahead of us. There is an organization that has done a great job supporting men, The Good Men Project, and they have 5 Steps to a Healthier Conversation – Reversing the Impact of Toxic Masculinity (Alton, 2018). The fourth step, Build More Close Friendships, is the one I feel we need to work on. Let us be serious for a second gents, when was the last time you asked another guy for life advice? Not career stuff, but real advice. Or talked about your feelings (yes, I said it.). Feelings. Please do not take away my man card just yet.
Our demeanor often establishes us as protectors, the bigger animals are the ones taking the hits, which means we are also the territorial ones because we DO NOT like taking hits. That means we close those walls. I suggest letting those walls down a notch and requiring our spouses to take the lead on important decisions too. Allow that wall to share space with your loved one. Discuss the hits you have been taking and what the two of you can take together.
In the conversation about being seduced, it is not about the outfit, or being in swimsuit shape, or having a pole in your bedroom. It is more about if she cares about our pleasure. The other detailed stuff I just mentioned are/and can be tools to that end but the real seduction is the intent. Does she care about your pleasure?
Working on the six topics above will show her that you care about you as a couple. Having open communication about pleasure will show her you care about her. Remember the friction coefficient.
In the end we are only here for a limited number of years, let us make them the best ones and the most impactful ones. Find your legacy.
References
Alton, L. (2018, May 16). Reversin the Impact of Toxic Masculinity: 5 Steps to a Healthier Conversation. Retrieved from The Good Men Project: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-you-can-reduce-toxic-masculinity-in-your-neighborhood-lbkr/
Chodick, G., Epstein, S., & Shalev, V. (2020). Secular trends in testosterone- findings from a large state-mandate care provider. PubMed Central. doi:10.1186/s12958-020-00575-2
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Zirkin, B. R., & Tenover, J. L. (2012). Againg and Declining Testosterone: Past, Present, and Hopes for the Future. National Library of Medicine. doi: 10.2164/jandrol.112.017160
