2 Tips to Avoid Spousal Neglect and 1 Secret to fix it!
Two Tips to Avoid Spousal Neglect
But what is spousal neglect?
Before this definition can be exercised, identifying the opposite may help – spousal responsibility. As a couple, there comes to certain responsibilities that are necessary, or why be in a marriage. Providing love, affection, sex, support, and awareness to emotional wellbeing. These are all in the love contract, with only minor variations for cultural differences.
Spousal Neglect is the opposite of all the above qualities.
One I will identify here is affection. Equally important as all the others, maybe even more important. Expanding on this; we can get all the other items through surrogate situations. Sex, sex worker - check, emotional support, therapist - check, awareness of emotional wellbeing, friends - check.
Affection is a whole category of men’s health that does not get much attention. Thanks to the 80’s, 90’s, 2000’s, 2010’s and the rhetoric of women do not “need men”, there is a strong separation of couples happening. With outsourcing desires through legal/illegal services and bedroom products, plus pharmaceuticals too, the need to be together is shrinking fast. But what about those who have made that commitment to each other and have chosen to partner/couple with a spouse to fill those needs?
What? Those needs still exist?
The significant difference is the responsibility level of the spousal condition. If I outsource all my needs, I have zero responsibility to be a great partner. The art of living within a community of two takes strength, daily evolution of changing scenarios to deal with increases the need for qualities of support. Within that, a burden of communication is needed. How is this related to spousal neglect?
In two ways, of which I will share two tips to overcome the last remaining need/want for affection. Illustrating it with man’s best friend, the dog. Have you ever seen a dog climb up on your lap and just want to lay there? Or the undeniable feeling of affection when they greet you at the door? That is affection. That is the touch we want, the validation that you mean something to the other. Replace that home situation with the love of your life, your spouse. I bet in the beginning there was a lot of affection, especially in the dating phase. Then there is a cooling off period and affection falls. How should we as men fix this situation?
Tip One – The Fake It Until You Make It
Women love confident men. It matters. Just as much as it matters for us men too. A confident woman is sexy, bold, enthusiastic, responsible, emotionally set on a path. You know what she is all about, where she is headed, and what to expect when with her. I even bet YOU were confident when you first met. I bet you had passion for life and adventure. The downside of this is you might have been faking it. Yep, we have all done it, ordered the Glenlivet, dressed up, acted confidently when you approached her, and she smiled right at you. You loved that smile! That is the affection we crave more than anything else. You can outsource everything else in the world but that genuine smile is perfect. As the time together gains in years those times of smiles may dissipate or it may appear that way because you now get to all the work that goes into making that smile. The good days and the bad days, but also, we change. We evolve. This is tough for people. They wanted cuddles she sought you out for have turned to rolling over and facing the other way in bed, or cute nonchalant bicep feels have stopped. All the things that validated us were the better choice compared to anyone else she could have picked. We may feel neglected, especially if your Love Language is touch.
Learning her secret language and knowing yours is the glue to quality affection and open communication.
“Physical touch communicates love in a way the words often fail to do.”
Quote from the 5 Love Languages
Well sometimes we need to fake it for a bit. Make it crazy apparent that you are still into them! This will be hard because faking it until you make it is a lie, underneath you are hurting. If this continues for any length of time resentment may set in and it gets dangerous from there. BUT it may just work in a pinch especially if the reason is obviously out of her control like work issues, or a mental/physical condition that requires time.
Tip Two – The Cold Pizza Effect
This one is the hardest to deal with but the most common to see. Remember when all you needed was a good pizza and a movie to make you both happy. Barely responsible enough to pay for the pizza but the reward was worth every penny. It was exciting and new, and no one expected impressive results because you were young and naive to the world. As time goes by, time is replaced with responsibility and now we are weighing the cost/experience ratio to everyday. The question “am I happy” will come up in your mind often. You may have already tried the Fake It method (it failed), then you notice she has outsourced some services (therapist and bedroom products), all the while the affection has been cut off causing you doubt.
The pizza went from hot, new, and exciting, to cold Tombstone leftovers the next day. OUCH.
There is only one way around this situation, but men, we often get in our own way. We tend to overthink the problem and stew on the issues. Thinking you went from her WANT category to her NEED category and moving to her RETURN TO SENDER category. Do not let this get to here without changing one thing.
Say what is on your mind that minute! That is, it.
Let me repeat that – Say what is on your mind THAT minute!
Do not stew on it! Do not think about how she will respond! Do not think about anything else!
Do call her right away!
This immediate action will let her in on the problem from the beginning and the truly responsible partner will come out in her. Share that you need her affection. Now this is not a begging situation, this is a confident man sharing what is needed in a partnership. Again, confidence is sexy.
