Four hardships of disappointment in intimacy.
The frustration with ED
Intimacy planned is it better than spontaneity?
Is spontaneity a myth in the intimacy realm? If guys are thinking about sex every 7 seconds or crazy number, can it really be spontaneous. For the record whatever the number is that a guy thinks about sex is pretty right on.
Plus, sex is in the news every day, hell you can read/hear about Stormy Daniels and Trump anytime you want, or do not want. There is always a sex scandal going on somewhere. Plus, the shows on TV make it clear that sex and intimacy are on everybody’s minds. Just off the top of my head Love Island, Sister Wives, The Plural Life, some sort of Naked Survival show, then add the drama shows. All this masks the issue of healthy sexual relations with your spouse.
Here then comes the frustrating part of Erectile Dysfunction (ED). Within this realm planning needs to be a part of the process. Sufferers of ED must balance the desire for intimacy and spontaneity with planning and communication.
This is for two factors,
1. The prescriptions and mail order helpers take time to kick in, and communication can be tricky since we think about sex every 7 seconds. Expressing our desire for intimacy can come off mechanically as if we are scheduling the task and I bet the ladies feel like an item at a fast-food drive through.
2. There is also the desire to be desired. This is not just a man thing either both parties want to be wanted/desired. Planning can come off as a rub (no pun intended) to our egos. The feeling of having to plan intimacy with your spouse has unintended pitfalls of – I must not be that desirable if I must initiate the intimacy. And if this is every time then the result can counter the effects of any ED helpers.
But let us cover the helpers out there.
History of working: Of course there is the Little Blue Pill – Viagra, this family including Cialis, HIMS, and others have a history of working wonders for countering a dreadful day where distractions are high, and the desired feeling is low.
Results are better than others: There are herbal remedies. This class needs a more life altering mindset. Maca powders, Ginkgo, Yohimbine, and others. Diet additives and vitamins will need to be added to meals to build up the effect. All additives and herbal remedies have varying effects on desired results. I would bet the mindset here is just trying to always be ready in case your spouse is ready for a quickie. This includes getting in, or staying in shape.
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Last resort: Then there are the mechanicals. Various devices that need to be inserted to help. I cringe but I get it. Sex is important to a man. We will go to great lengths to feel these sensations.
As much as these devices and aids are there to help, disappointment will be a part of the experience.
Here are four hardships of disappointment in intimacy:
1. Having to initiate much of the time, or all the time.
2. Doing what you believe to be the right thing and not getting the desired effect.
3. Leaving the situation to your spouse to manage
4. Balancing consent with “being a man.”
We can stop there. Plenty to unwrap in that list.
But how is disappointment managed when the situation of Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is a piece of the puzzle. Better question, how is your spouse managing the same situation? Is she having the same concerns? Is she trying things (is ED possible in women – we will need to dive into that at a later point)? Is she feeling that she is doing all the work, or planning, with little results? So, step one – This is the communication part.
This is vital, I’ve even been guilty of this too, avoid talking about the kids or the family. You have that talk too often. Talk about you and her!
It is time for deep-down conversations about happiness, needs, wants, desires, a check in to see how both are doing. Do not just focus on the sex stuff either, focus on career, life, goals, ideas, etc. This area of conversation also falls into the “being a man part” – I am betting that originally what attracted her to you was your passion, your desire to tackle the world, ask yourself if you have lost that. Bigger question, how do you get that back?
So, you have had the conversation(s), and you have started working on yourself. No one is more responsible for your happiness than you. You have helped around the house (without being asked to much), attended all the kids’ activities (because you want to – they are your kids), also handled your work duties (because we need to provide, we need to feel “needed”), and still are not seeing results (results vary per individual). Then it is time to change tactics. The cool thing is - this is a process not a wild guess event.
So here are three things that can be done to right the ship:
1. Always start with compassion/empathy, and seek to understand – have the conversation. Not fault shopping but exploring. What are triggers to initiate or avoid?
2. Find her Love Language. And this will not be easy. It’s like dialing in your golf swing, it takes practice, practice, and more practice. Also find YOUR Love Language. I mean this gents, find it. After some deep work on yourself you may be surprised.
The 5 Love Languages
The five love languages, Gary Chapman, describes five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. These are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
Learning how you interpret and respond to your partner is critical to long lasting relationships. For some, with ED, this is the best way to explore the underlying cause of the ED. It might not be medical, it might be an outside factor driving down the desire or in the least causing the waters to be muddied.
3. Continue to work on yourself – I cannot stress this enough. Confidence is the most alluring scent. And I am not talking about stuff that she wants, working on stuff that makes you enthusiastic for life. Find that hobby that will get you up early and start the day. Find that career, even as a side gig, about which you are excited. Whatever it is I am sure there is an enthusiastic group of supporters and clubs around. If not create one yourself.
Below are a few ideas to get you started.
Back to the disappointment part real quick, this change will not happen overnight. You may run into a situation where you tried something, and it went completely wrong. It happens, we are human after all.
Take this scenario for example – Man shares his desire early I the day that he would like to be intimate later. Gets home and things seem like they are headed in the right direction, so he takes a helper a couple of hours before the event (to give the right amount of time to work its magic), ate a lite dinner, then a change is presented. Disappointment must have been written on his face and he mentioned that he had already taken something. Trying to be open with the situation. Later to find out that the spouse was upset. She was hoping to try something new, and the husband had a goal already in mind too, and to top it off the spouse was feeling a little manipulated with the comment that a helper was taken and verbalized.
It is amazing how a situation can derail so fast. It is like the City of New Orleans chugging down the tracks, the melody of the tracks sounding like the song and then the tracks disappear. The good thing is we have a process now. Circle back to the 3 steps to right the ship. There is however a missed opportunity here as to what the goal of the even was.
Intimacy alone in a healthy marriage/relationship is difficult enough, ED makes it tougher, the goals of sex for each spouse can be wildly different when both parties enter the bedroom. It is like a battle royale of who will get the desired result. To find two people that walk out of the cage feeling like it was an impressive event is rare. One might want soft and caring, the other might want rough and dirty, one might want just a BJ the other might want dominance, the list can go on and on.
Again, and every so often, circle back to the steps to right the ship.
